I saw a glimpse of the life I would choose over the current one that I have. The sense of freedom and carefree living seeped through my bones like mid-afternoon sunrays burning my skin. I craved for the sense of adventure I have denied myself because of fear. I was so afraid to lose control and having the idea of losing grip for some things spiked up my anxieties. I was near quitting life so I tried letting go.
I stepped my foot across an unknown land with locals whose blood are the same as mine having only the wind to guide me through the journey. I’ve opened myself more than the usual to those I do not even knew. I’ve subjected myself to breath heavily as I calm my mind in a space whose walls are just two elbows apart while the coward within screams of claustrophobia. I’ve let the summer sun tan my skin as I walk on hills and trek on high altitudes risking a bleb that could pop just to burn my eyes staring far into the beautiful horizon.
I’ve let go so many inhibitions I’ve confined myself on a daily basis just to experience the escape I’ve been wanting to have. And boy, allowing myself to go through so much should give you an idea how badly I hated my current life. That I would rather seek solitude surrounded by fear and finding the courage to break through them. And every end of every day, I find the contentment watching the setting sun knowing I have done something to destroy a part myself one struggle at a time.
If there’s one thing I could bring back from this trip is that, the freedom I’ve been seeking could just be found behind the fear I’ve been avoiding to face. That complaining about the chains won’t do anything unless you do something to free yourself from its binding grip.
It’ll be the first time I’d be coming back empty and exhausted, but happy.
When you having nothing to hold on; letting go is no longer an option. Letting go is your only choice.
I wanted to answer a lot of your questions that left us hanging; what happened to “us”, and why did we stopped. But I know you already have obvious answers for the obvious reasons. All you just needed was affirmations that they were right. I have given more than I should, more than what you’ve asked, and more than what we deserve. I was drowning of you and it was no longer healthy. I had to disconnect and save myself. Being desensitized from all of it was a remedy and it was a decision I would never regret.
Time passed, and here I am taking the same poison that surely made me suffer for existence. As the bane of your presence seeps in, every touch burns my skin. In every hug, I gasp for air. Every kiss crumbles the morality left within. And I saw in your eyes how I melt in shame on how I have never learned anything. And I saw myself looking back at me with disgust for giving up and falling again too easy at the pit I’ve struggled to escaped in the past
There’s something about pain that is quite addicting. I’ve been asking myself why do we keep on picking the same poison that almost killed us. Then we would cry for help eventhough we knew that we’re the only one who can save ourself from the suffering we’ve brought ourselves into.
Though tonight, I may have kept my soul intact and my sanity clear; the only question left in which its answer I really wanted to know:
“When is enough?”
“Our house doesnt’t even have any displayed or hanged photos.” I once replied to someone who assumed that I could have a pool of pictures of myself hiding at home.
I realized that such aversion that I have towards self-portrait might also be rooted on my family’s abhorrence of the concept of self-image. This may be good in the sense of we may have developed the least sense of narcissism but could be bad on how we (mostly, I) perceive ourselves in the eyes of others. My perception of beauty and what’s good in my eyes has been molded mostly by the definition set by the society than what my parents could’ve shown me. And I can say that this may also be an adding factor why my confidence started from rock botttom and still crawling slowly up. No blames thrown though. If life is hard, it’s okay not to mind how you look.
I hated myself too much I don’t want to see myself in photos despite my growing fond for photography. I wanted to show people how I see things and how a simple image immortalizes the beauty I am seeing. But I’ve never favored how I look in photos. I feel ugly looking at myself if not most of the time, awkward. While there were glimpses wherein I see something different on some candid shots of me, mostly I was looking away from the camera out of diffidence or reticence of prying eyes.
I rather stay behind the camera. The guy behind every written words. The unnoticed one.
He believed that the scent was new to his senses. Yet it clamors on his skin like it was familiar on his bareness. It runs along the edges of his jaw from the back of his ears like whispers of someone familiar from his past. He closed his eyes and let his body absorbed every ounce of sweetness and musky scent of old wood. Every sniff taps into his senses, like a light sparkling dull in a dark space.
He remembers how the person who used to wear that strong scent gripped his wrist tightly as kisses were placed from his neck down to his chest. How the warm licks and a little suck to the nipples sent small shocks of electricity to his whole body. One more sniff and he remembered how he claimed that body he never owned and how his embrace locked the heat radiating from their torso tightly. He felt his knees weaken as the scent lingers on and he remembers himself only supported by the wall as his manliness dwelve to someone’s throat deeper and deeper while his sac were caressed frenzily by those soft warm hands.
He gets aroused easily of memories fortifed by his senses which made it not too easy to forget. While others skipped a beat upon hearing the name of their someone; he on the other hand, stutter at the scent now too familiar in his mind. He tried finding the person wearing the scent, but upon looking back, there was no one. And so as the scent that left nothing but a refreshed memory.
Ang maranasan ang pabalik balik na lungkot. Ang pakiramdam ng walang laman. Ang pagsulat ng paulit ulit. Ang pagtitig sa kawalan.
Ang pagsagot sa mga tanong na walang kabuluhan. Ang paghahanap ng dahilan. Ang araw araw na paglalakbay ng walang pupuntahan at walang kasiguraduhan.
Na buhatin ang bigat ng kalooban. Ang mga damdaming walang laman. Ang mga pananaghoy ng mga alaala at ng mga bukas na walang kalinawan.
Na mapalibutan ng karamihan. Na maranasan ng sino man. Na makaramdaman ng pagiisa sa harap ng mga mukhang walang kaalam alam.
Ang paglilimos ng onting panahon. O kahit na maliit na halaga. O kahit ng isang pangako na sa dulo, maayos ang lahat at di ka magiisa.
Ang paulit ulit na pagsambit ng mga salitang ayoko na. Ang pagpapangap na walang dinarama. Na walang iniindang kahit anong kalungkutan at walang kasawaang pagsusumamo ng katapusan.
Pagod na ako. Ayoko na.
I used to think I’m starting to find my shadows in your words. But then again, shadows are only such an illusion against a dying light.
I tried looking within, pass through every emotions I should’ve felt. Knowing that it was his shadows and not mine that were casted in your skin. Although I felt a little pang of envy for him that he was able to see that rare smile in your eyes, I am happy to finally see you happy. The kind of happiness I know and you know I couldn’t provide. And that’s okay, I guess. We can now forget those years left to fill for that informal truce.
Now I am basking under the sunset. With my cold skin savoring the warmth of leaving. I’ve came back to catching sunsets. It was all about desensitizing myself with my fear of being left behind and beautiful things that meant to say goodbye. And now the sun have melted away darkness I’ve covered myself with, leaving a shadow casted on my back. It felt good how vulnerable and fragile I have become. And all the emotions I have blocked away came rushing within. And I still can’t believe how I aspire to reach the level of awareness that you have reached; with the same deeper understanding of life that you have. I have realized that what I have felt for you isn’t limited to the emotions I attached your heart with. But also to what your mind have conceived and how it inspired me to see the best I could become.
I am too preoccupied chasing sunsets that I have forgotten how capable I am reaching for the stars. How I could sing songs of strength in solitude under the moonlight. I have forgotten how I could write words that give me strength during the night and how I strong I could be. I used to grow just for you. Now I have changed because of you. I could give you that. And I am forever thankful.
May the chains of our despair die with the dying light. May we find the strength hidden within, covered with the lunacy we have submitted ourselves because of romance. May we find the freedom from those things that limit our will and happiness. May we find the smile we deserve to give.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned as time roll is that you shouldn’t let any opportunities for growth pass you by. Maturity may not come with age, but one must not refuse to accept that certain compromise must happen between your youth and your acceptance to life responsibilities. I’ve learned to adjust what is needed to deliver what is demanded from me but at the same time, keeping alive the inner child within.
I have learned that you neither control people nor own them. You have to let them exist on the plane and circumstances that they have chosen without disrupting your own balance. Learn to value people. Let them go if necessary. It may be unlikely, but those you have lost may find their way back to you in the most unexpected ways. You may shut out those who you seemed toxic to your existence, burn every bridge if you may, but never close your doors to those you find important.. no matter how much pain you both inflicted to each other in the past. Grudges and regrets are too heavy to bear. Learn how to let go of such to create more space to be filled with love and happiness. Positivity radiated from within attracts people. It’s your chance to either influence them, inspire them, or nullify the negativity reeking from them.
Learn to look pass through their imperfections, the unlikeable, the ugliness; and realize that these add up to the beauty they manifest within. Never lose compassion towards people who are hard to others. Especially those who are hard to themselves. They may portray a strong facade of not needing anyone. But be sensitive when they starting to need one.
Lastly, realize that no amount of love can fill the love that you’re supposed to give to yourself. You may squeeze out attention and care from other people, but it will never be enough to fill the void. Stop equating self-love as selfishness. You have to learn how to love yourself first before loving someone else. Believe that you are also deserving of the love you are capable of giving. And in time, you might grow into someone whose emotional quotient is far more stable than others. You may be able to control untoward emotions and outburst of feelings and even provide relief to those with bruised heart and lonely soul.
Time is ticking. Do not grow old naive with these worldly feelings.