I grew up noticing the unfairness of living. I eat on a table filled with nutritious foods with my family while some barely had food to eat, or a table to eat such, or even a family to share with.
I studied at fine schools from elementary to college which offered superb curriculum, giving me a good educational backgroud while some can’t even land a foot on a public school, reaching adulthood illiterate.
I became a young professional and entered the biggest hospital in the country. I serve those people who struggled with life up until their remaining days. Those who never had justice with fate. And the place where I used to run around to play becomes my workplace.
Then I realize that there’s no such thing as imbalanced way of living. The wheel keeps on spinning. Sooner or later, I will face my life’s biggest challenge to even out the obvious difference with my life and some people’s way of living. And once one overcome such challenge, everything else will be smooth sailing and rough roads will be passed through easily. Like a cancer survivor, or someone who struggled against poverty for education.
I was waiting for that challenge. That life changing event. Even up to the point where I already assumed that I would have certain diseases that would shock me. Like Alzheimers or Cancer or HIV.
——————————————–
Then a simple pop after pushing myself to the limit brought me back to reality. I was born with weak lungs, with abnormal air sacs (bleb) occupying its lining. Once popped, air would seep out from the hole and gets trapped, suppressing lung expansion, making the oxygen inadequate to support my bodily function.
——————————————-
I had an operation where a tube is punctured through my chest up to my pleural cavity to leak the air out. So my lungs would expand again. It was placed for 3 days, making my activities of daily living a little challenging than the usual. For every movement, cough, sneeze, talk and even standing causes a somehow-bearable pain.
They were able to remove the trapped air inside. We were all hoping na there would be no other blebs left. I ranked the removal of such tube 11 out of 10 in the painscale. I really wanted to save 10 for the most painful thing I would experience like Hazel Grace of TFIOS. But such made me cringe. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced. I never imagined that such pain exist. I winced my eyes for more than three minutes. I hold my breath too long for breathing caused too much pain. I felt my hands and feet become cold and clammy. As if the world stopped spinning and all the universe’s force was poured into that less than an inch opening on my chest.
——————————————–
The CT Scan still showed persistence of air sacs. My doctor said that this could still reoccur. And if it did, I will have to undergo a major operation to remove all the bleb. And all I can do now is to prevent such from reoccuring.
Now, I am restricted to work out, swimming, exertion, high altitudes, mountain climbing, hiking, running and any activities that would demand extra effort for my lungs. I was born with weak lungs. (Or lung. For my left lung compensates for the impotency of my right.)
——————————————–
My lifestyle includes working out. I go to the gym five times a week. I enjoy nature, walking, sceneries, and be astonished with the creation. I love fireworks, city lights and night scapes.
And now, I am restricted to do things that keep my sanity. From things that make me smile. I can no longer swim eventhough I haven’t even started learning how.
——————————————–
I kept my hopes up while waiting for that ct scan result as what the people around me wanted me to believe. That everything’s gonna be fine.
I was the first one who’ve seen the result even before my doctor. I know that what’s written on that two page result signify that my fear of being unable to do the usual things is real. I tried to be apathetic and have a flat affect about it for the eyes inside my room are all into me.
——————————————-
I looked out at my window. The sun has shown some rays after being absent from yesterday’s rain. It lighted a hope in me. And the realization came in.
Life is short. But I don’t want to make it too short by restricting myself with the things that make me happy. I don’t want to lengthen and preserve my body by consuming the life within me.
I would still work out, for it keeps me sane. I would still enjoy the Creator’s magnificent masterpiece. I will climb to the top and enjoy the wind blowing in my face as I get mesmerized by the stars below me.
I plan not to live my remaining days with regret, but to enjoy every moment that my lungs take in oxygen.
As long as I can breathe, I will stay alive.
Stuttering 