Psycho

First post I made for my current institution; why I wanted to but can’t just easily leave despite being unhappy.

“I’m starting to notice the growing number of moments when I question where I am as of the moment. Whether I am supposed to be where I should be. And if I am, why am I not feeling happy. 

To determine such, I have found myself looking back to the roots of my dreams. And found a (my) heart aimed to serve. A passion rooted at home, nurtured by a profession, but tested in an institution.

An institution founded, managed, and sustained by determined individuals, whose visions and dreams are greater than own-self. Whose desires too strong to discern that thin line of right and wrong. With a workforce emboldened by their own passion yet pushed by lucre provisioned with control by those seated at the higher hierarchy. With varying personalities placed in a stressful working environment, one can easily see the darkness of each identity. Where one oppresses the other to reach a higher ground; where one questions another’s ability just for the sake of feeding an almost depleted ego; where one engage in dirty politics to win favor of those with power mismanaged and used for personal gain; where people challenges your knowledge, your skills and your right to be where you are. 

These are just some of those I encounter each day. And despite the tasks placed on my shoulders, I never settled to other people’s judgment whether I am worthy to be in a place like this based on whether I was able to do what they’ve asked me to do or not.

Yes, it indeed is an honor to be accepted to a place where the knowledge gained through years of studies be applied; and conclude that written papers and thick books doesn’t encompass the learnings acquired during these daily experiences

But there are just days like this I even question myself, my ability, and sometimes, my sanity. 

I am already tired.

But I am still holding on to that one single passion I started with. Far more important than the monetary gains I could have. Far more important than those travels I could have made to feed my wanderlust.

I am holding on to my place with a strength derived from a belief that I am making a (good) difference to the lives I encounter each day I stayed in this institution. And quitting, though possible, isn’t quite the right choice because I have wanted and waited for this spot, for this chance; unlike those who got their spot like a graduation package. I’ve been giving my best each day even though it seems that it isn’t always enough.

I know that I am not the only one who’s been swimming in the sea of mediocrity. And I know that soon, these creatures will rise above the surface and let the glory of excellence shined by the sun bathe their fins. Because one’s strength as a nurse (doctor, medical technologist, pharmacist, social worker, other members of the health care team) isn’t and couldn’t just be determined by a grade, or a shift, or a task. 

As long as we have that passion to serve, with the guidance of the Great One, we will find that inner strength we need that hopefully would lead us to that moment of contentment and pure happiness.

I am tired. But I still believe.”

Lapse

Dearest self,

If you’re able to read this then I’m sure you’re on the moment where you want to learn something to make your heart still. And this, as far as what I’ve remembered, came at the right time. 

If my guess is right, you are/might/could be on the verge of breaking down from the circumstances you’ve been through, the anxiety due to upcoming changes, the paradigm shifts and the acceptance of roles. 

Your heart blends black and red. And the pain you feel already makes you numb. Like a boy stabbed, dying of hypovelemia yet you feel no pain on the punctured site.

And I know there are no words that could comfort you now. And how I wish I could send you my hugs right away. But all I can do is to let you feel everything and hope that you’ll never let your soul die inside as what I did in the past. Remember that those are just temporary feelings, just like those temporary people who made you feel that way. That those are just temporary fears that you’d soon overcome once you’ve gain the courage to pass that all through. That you’re not lost but only with clouded visions brought by the tears in your eyes. 

I’m not saying that you disregard whatever you’re feeling right now. Those are real. But that doesn’t mean they’re permanent. Yes, they’ll last long. But not long enough to prevent you from kicking back up and regain the phase you have in your life. 

If only I could bring you here. So that you’d realize how beautiful your life would have been. How things in the past made sense for this future. The struggle, the hardwork, the perseverance to continue despite the dirt and the mud dragging you down was worth it. 

But for now, do me a favor. Do not give up. I am letting you succumb into your own sadness and drown in your own misery knowing that there’s no one else can help you right now, but when that day comes when you felt like you’ve missed the warmth of laughter and the sweetness of smiles and happiness, grab that chance and free yourself from the despair you’ve let yourself into you. 

Do not be easily swayed or affected. Stay strong. Life is just a maze waiting to decipehered. Everything will be fine soon. I promise. Believe me. Believe in yourself. 

Sending you my warmest hug and sweetest smile. 🙂

Love, 

Your Self (from few years in the future). 

Sailor

I’ve opened my eyes and saw the vast water ahead of me. I was wearing a white thin fabric top and loose white thin fabric pants. I was on a small boat that could carry around three to four persons on deck. But it was only me sitting in front. 

It was almost sunset. The clouds formed a flock ahead covering the great rays of the golden sun passing through. Yet it makes the edges of the clouds spark silver and bright reflecting on the calm waters of the ocean. 

I am at the middle of nowhere and I feel the waves under my feet. The boat was moving few inches forward. The breeze was warm and hard to my cheeks. I heard birds screeching in the distance.

I am alone. And that thought scared me. To be somewhere I musn’t be. That I cannot see any piece of land around me. That it’s getting dark as time pass by. And the clouds ahead were continuously forming into rain clouds. That I am cold with the wind. That I am going nowhere. 

I closed my eyes and shut everything up. I bowed my head and wrapped my arms around and in front of me. 

Then I am focused at the now. That despite waves rocking the boat, the sea remains calm. Despite the birds gawking, it reminds me that I am not the only living thing in that place. That the wind isn’t really that cold. That fear just heightens and multiplies what I am feeling inside. 

I opened my eyes and saw that the dark clouds, though visible, is still far ahead of me. That my sky above is painted with orange pastel and yellow hues. 

That the loneliness I was feeling was changed by the feeling of liberty. That I am free. And these was the escape that I needed for myself. To breakthrough the rules and the norms that binded me. That I am the sailor of my ship. And I can do anything to please myself. To retrieve what was needed. To claim what was mine. That I never owe anyone my happiness. And the responsibility of making myself happy still lies on my hands. Knowing that whatever lies ahead, I am and will always be in control of whatever fate throws into me. 

And with that thought, I sailed towards uncertainty. With a smirk lined on my face.

Only If

If only tears could bring me to sleep. If the only comfort I once seeked could be found on the dreams that now were clouded by vagueness and absurdities. Of dark roads, long paths and people hanging and jumping on cliffs. And I hoped that someone who’s love compared to maternal affection could have saved them as I watch them fall down on shallow waters of a stream. 

If only my dreams wouldn’t leave me feeling lost. And traveling alone would not bring me fear. And asking directions and trusting strangers would be comforting, then I could’ve end each nights with a relief.

Relief. When I imagine someone laughs as I bleed. When I am soaked in misery while someone enjoys every minute I drown myself in the fear that some mutualities only exist on my mind. That I could use some little sensitivity, that I couldn’t do such when I am on the same shoe. Yes. I need to breathe out from that. 

If only metals and clinking of plates bring my sanity and soberness like it used to. If only the scent of humidity and sweat shoot my hormones up. If only my body can catch up with my demands like before, then maybe I could save a little pride and strengthen my wounded ego a little. 

If only I could easily go to sleep, dream a good dream, travel with a weary but contented heart and end each day with much respect to oneself and peaceful mind, then maybe..

Just maybe..

I would not seek for your love.

Twilight

She was thrown against the wooden wall of the place where I was settled in. The place was dominated by females and by handful of men with some I barely know including my father. 

The screams of pain and shrieks of agony was heard outside their room. It vibrated across the small space where all the guests decided to mingle. The sound of face being hit by someone’s palms and continuous bashing of flesh made the crowd fell silent and stare towards the shoji separating the onlooking eyes from the screams of tears.

Then the shoji opened and a naked lady was pushed out and fall flat against the tatami flooring. Her eyes looked around the shocked people. Her hair was cut straight up until her jawline and her bangs filled her forehead. 

Her skin was surprisingly only reddish, considering the amount of hit she had endured inside the room. I was expecting some open wound or blood oozing out from it. 

Then a tan guy with big belly and empty eyes came out of the room and walked towards her. His head was shaved leaving almost a centimeter strands of black and gray hair. He dragged her across the floor and gave her a punch that landed on her face yet no drop of blood was seen. 

The crowd was quiet but you can hear disdain, disgust and revulsion mumbling into the wind but no words was said not only towards the ugly guy but also towards the other men occupying the room. Including me and my father and some few men whose faces I can barely remember. 

Then all the men stood up in the room noticing that our zippers were zipped down open, infuriating the loathing that these ladies had towards men. That unzipped metal ignited the guilt inside me, as if I played some part of battering and hurting women (though I never had any incidences of physical brutality against the female race).

All the men were shoved towards the room where the crowd, now all ladies of all ages, preferred. The woman with reddish pearl white skin and the ugly brute was already inside. 

Some tried to escape the unbreakable shoji with the belief that they never played a part of such crime. Even my father.

Then I tried to escape but the guards of my conscience in a form of women kept me within the room together with the lady and the brute. As if I needed to accept that punishment inside.

I had no choice but to play the game. 

She was already sitting on a bed, still naked, with eyes asking me to sit a foot beside her. Then the man with a stomach of a drunkard slid the remaining small cover of his decency down to the floor. He slapped the girl too many times, hit her in the stomach, tossed around the room from my non-blinking eyes, not believing the kind of brutality existed in such.

He forced her head towards his meat and forced her to give him some pleasure. 

And I was there staring directly at the lady’s eyes whose eye contact before never lasted for 2 seconds but now looks through my soul asking me, how dare me to witness her sufferring without doing anything about it. I look up to the guy, stood up and saw his eyes lifeless and dead. His chinky eyes just forbid me to do anything bad as he enjoyed the fellatio being given by the girl. 

“Do you have work?”

I heard her say that. Surprised to be asked by such, coming from someone whose mouth was full of that filthy pig’s wood and whose current situation can’t afford to ask such.

“I’m sorry. What did you say again?”

I’m asking you if you have work today..”

“Yes. I have.”

“What are you still doing here? Go.”

Then I woke up with the same question regarding my work bombarded by my mother outside my door. 

I took a deep breathe. Remembering the face of that filthy pig and the beaten woman as I answered.

“..Yes. I’m up.”

 

Flight of Ideas #1

Don’t get me wrong. I tried distracting myself with the things I would normally do. Or by the things that I know would harm me but I was stubborn enough to listen. 

As I walk in the middle of the night, through the empty streets of the summer city, my shadow was casted upon the concrete road. And the image of a feeble man was drawn opposite of the yellow street light.

I ignored the conjured portrait in front of me and walked towards the cliff facing the dark city. I sat on my favorite spot facing the audible silence coming from this side of the town.

The lights twinkle like the stars that fell from the sky. The night breeze blows pass through my face and kissed my lips. I tried to breath as much air as I can to expand this stupid lungs. 

A part of me curses for having such. But a little of me feels blessed that I only had such. Thinking that it could’ve been a mass or a tumor or disease, it calms me a little. 

“I’ll go back. I promise.”, I whispered in the darkness of the ambiance leftby the  crescent moon above. I’ll go back to what I used to do. To what makes me happy. To what calms the turmoil within. And even do what I’ve been wanting to do but never had the courage to do such. 

Then I started missing people. Those who seemed to forget. And those who never remembered. Those who was left behind and those who’ve chosen to move on. I missed them. The experiences. The life lessons. The hellos and goodbyes. They’ll gonna miss me too. One day.

And I thought about you. What were you doing. What could be on your mind right now. Are you distracted or preoccupied? For you seem to be busy when I told you that I’ll stay at the ledge just in case you wanna hang out with me. I didn’t know if you heard me or were you paying enough attention to notice me.

Anyway. It’s not bothering me. It used to. But I think I learned to relax myself a little. Jive with the flow of things like the branches of these almost dead trees swaying with wind. 

I’ll be just here whenever you need me there on the other side.

Palliare

For the sun always rise on the land where endless shrieks of agonies and despair never cease to exist. While some may see it as another reason to hope, another operation to surpass, another chemo-day; some may see it as new day without a love one. Without a wife. Without a son. 

And while some see it as another battle to win, another pain to endure, another day to cry; some will see it as a blessing, another day to live for the terminally ill, for the bed-ridden, for the newly-handicapped. 

That despite the darkness of the earth, the warmth brought by the sun is still palpable to the skin. The morning breeze is aromatic. The dawn tastes fresh.

Despite the rough roads, the failures, the stumbles and falls, life goes on as the sun continues to rise. It’s how you welcome each day with the purest heart and the kindest soul to love and care for people at their weakest moments that would make a difference. It’s how we see life in general and the positivity that comes with it that would make living this life a little bearable. 

Shine that inner goodness. Let that positivity infect others. You’ll never know, it could make a difference between quitting and fighting for just one more day.

Naturalé

To fall in love to places I’ve never been

Through your eyes, I see what I’ve never seen

Those sunset moments, leaving sky charred coal

It burns me inside and warms up my soul

The greens on the field, cliff on the shore

And the blue sky above, craves me for more

Wind blown sweet from the eastern sea

Makes this a place where I wanna be

High trees and forest lands

Rainforests and hundred islands

Stolen moments seen by your eye

Could be my last before I die

I’ve fallen in love on how you see things

Fell in love with your kind of view

Travel around with your hand in mine

These are the things I wanna do.. with you.

Enough

How I wish I could smile like yours.

So that I could enlighten someone’s day

How I wish to laugh freely like you

With nothing to hinder me

For I feel not enough.

How I wish to go around places

See different sights and views

How I wish to meet new people

Different colors and differerent hues

For I feel not enough.

How I wish to play in the lime light

Not worried of the public scrutiny

How I wish to walk with life’s runway

Wearing clothes different everyday

For I feel not enough.

How I wish to go back and feel pain

That motivation to pump is insane

How I wish to maintain such determination

And have that body I’ve always aimed

For I feel not enough.

And I dont want your pity

And I dont want your rude

You have so much under your cuff

And here I am, still not enough

"P" in Photo

Photographs. Pictures. Frozen images and captured emotions stored in time’s given checkpoints. From infancy where you carry a balloon on your first birthday; to toddler years on your first slide. From school age to puberty where grad photos are prerequisites and are forcefully taken. Then ending those years spent on higher education where freedom and carefree emotions are nurtured from within, you’ll trail towards tomorrow..

And that kind of feeling when the future flashes in front of you. The way on how your life would turn out, how will your career goes, how you’d foresee yourself with someone. And the feeling is liberating. Where your decisions and how you handle things are influenced on how you’ve grown up and your upbringing. And you’ll feel scared, excited, and at the same time relieved. That the anxiety you once had, that fear of what the future might bring, is now taken away by that one-second glimpse.

Undeniably, you will do fine. You’ll do great. The future offers so much especially for someone who’s persistent and hardworking. Trust me. You’ll do good. And yes, I’m happy I’ve played a role in your life. I’m happy to witness your climb.

Leave all the worries behind. Live one day at a time.

“Bored?”

“No. I’m blogging.”

“About what?

“Hmmm..”

“Randomness?”

“…yeah.”

If you read closely, yes P. This one’s for you.