Epilogue

We have given up the things we thought that matters to us. Now we’re left with empty words and broken thoughts of what could’ve been if both of us aren’t too shy, prideful, nor coward to say what we needed to say. We’ve let our own ego destroy what’s best to us by stealing away the thing we’re both good at: expression. 

We have (or I did) raised questions (to myself) with answers that I know I couldn’t formulate on my own. I have let them imprison and bind me from pushing forward for the thing I would not (or would I?) regret later on. Sure that those differences and incompatibilities are nothing compared to what I believed we’ve reached simply by talking. And we haven’t even made much “deeper” connections yet.

But I guess it’s too late to think about it all now. Despite of all the things we wanted to say, despite our urge to speak out, despite our desire to be heard, we ended everything in an absurd way: in silence.

Fade

As how I see it, I guess you already know my stand. Given the mornings and the late nights that I expected (but failed) to receive the reinforcements you could’ve been given to fight off the fear that I’ve been feeling. I wake up and sleep at night feeling left on my own again to deal with the same nightmares I’ve been fighting before I met you. 

I guess some magic only happens once. Like a one-time hit movie. As soon as the sparks go off, all that’s left would be a deceitful trick. You may have easily dusted off the fairy dusts and the spells we both chanted together; or just lost your belief. Either way, I am glad.

That you’re on your way finding someone who could fit like the missing piece in your jigsaw puzzle. Who can comply on the standards you’ve set or let you do what you want to do as your happiness and pleasure also gives him pleasure in return. I hope you find your heart at peace when you wake up each day knowing that you’ve met someone better than anyone else. I hope he’d easily taste the sweet honesty I’ve never tasted unless I squeezed it out from you. May you open your mind and heart out to each other in each post-coital mumblings and cuddles you’ll have unlike what we had. For we never had any. 

My appearance in your show might be short. And I am looking forward for possible cameo roles in the future. But for now, I hope I made a difference in your usual late night talk. And please remember that I came not to make you like me. But to make you realize that you’re worth loving for.

No goodbyes for now.

-A

Visions of the Past

It was your decision to call it quits during the second week of the advent. You reasoned out that the infidelity you’ve made was just because of a previous act, which may I remind you, a baseless allegations coming from your part.

It was a conscious act of flirting, hooking up and seduction in which you fueled by rage and false assumptions. You did it without hesitation and reluctance despite knowing such would mean a slap on my face. You did it because you thought that such would be the best reciprocate of the disloyalty you believed I did.

And here you are in front of me standing proud with your claims and your crooked reasoning that never even gave justice to what you’ve done. And you have caught the perfect moment to strike me back while I was unstable and been hitting rock bottom for few weeks now.

To tell you honestly, it wasn’t your unfaithfulness that caused me pain. It wasn’t your allegations that made my heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t your doubtless declaration of a sinister act that made me step back. It was your outward motive of revenge that made me broken to pieces just because of your inability to trust. A revenge directed towards a heart I thought you’ve loved and cared so much. A heart which never ceased to love you.

“If you want to break up now, might as well do it while I’m depressed. Pagod na ako..”

Memoriam

I’m tired of writing the same things. Of glimpses of the past. Of memories burried but barely hidden. I’m tired of the same scenarios. 

Of me sitting on one of your bean bags, staring the star-less night sky outside the window of your sanctuary. Of me waiting for the alcohol-spiked drink you made, and drink it whole heartedly as if I didn’t knew it was spiked with vodka or rum. For I needed the courage to do what I have been wanting to do but too afraid to even had my skin pressed against yours.

I’m tired of the remembering the feeling when you kissed me and I was caught off guard; almost dropping the liquor on the carpeted floor of your room. Those kisses that brought me to your bed covered in monochromatic sheets. The hugs I gave that made you feel safe. The sound of your warm breathing on my chest. Sweat dripping on your back. Your moans of desire to have more. 

I can easily remember everything. And me ruining everything in a glimpse of immaturity due to insecurity and misbehavior I displayed.

But everything’s different now. We are not the same person as we were before. We are acting out what we believe is right and just on the circumstances we placed ourselves into. Our priorities have already shifted and we take a different but parallel path with no idea whether it would still find a way to cross in the future. 

Amongst all things, there’s still one that remains the same:

I still cannot forget.

Catechize

“Amongst all the things that happened between us (if there was an “us”), is there even a single thing that I could hold that’s true?”

It was the most blunt, blatant, straight-forward question I could contrive; despite the number of “what ifs”, “how” and big “why’s” that’s been playing on my subconsciousness. 

I (or fate- if there’s such a thing) never allowed myself to cater questions with answers insignificant for the optimal functioning of the present. But these questions imply answers I couldn’t conjure on my own, hence started haunting me up until now. 

I look at you, with your eyes cowardly smiling back then looks away at the horizon. You’ve been a craven ever since, unable to back up words you utter or the deeds that you make, hoping your charm would save you from the treachery and embarrassment you’ve placed yourself into.

I feel the rage ripening inside me. I’ve been squeezing the arm of this wooden chair as if it’s my stronghold, the only way to keep my decency intact in public. For I know that you wouldn’t answer that one fucking simple question. Just like the other questions of “why” that you dodged. 

You see, it wasn’t me who initiated this game of connect-the-dots. I drop things immediately once they started hurting me. And this game is like pricking your finger on a hot pan repeatedly again and again after it burned your skin. It wasn’t my business anymore and I was ready to let things as it is until your lover messaged me behind your back and tried to acquaint me. 

Too bad that I answered some of my questions in that kind of way. The reason why you behave and acted that way. Now I am left with why and that great question I just asked. 

I looked at your seat and see you slowly vanishing in front of me. With my questions wring out in the smoke I blew. And my rage steaming out of my macchiato. Until you disappeared in front of me and my anger evaporated into thin air.

And here’s one of those nights I would sleep with the undecided conclusion on what do I really need; your Answer or my Revenge.  

Tierce

Those cute smirks, looking sharp and tight

Photos in shades of black and white

A single look triggers some pain within

Memoirs and scenes of what have been.

A trick, very well played on your part

A trap, I fell for the price of my heart

Then you push me out of your door

I left with dakry, and we’re nothing more.

I was refused once. You rejected me twice

After seduced to play, I rolled on the dice

The embarrassment you’ve put me through

I became the loser, now I’m paying the price.

Now I stood by the mid-quarter sunset

Succumb by the heat of the afternoon glow

I have let go of the pain, regret, the sorrow

By letting me go, I’ll have a better tomorrow.

Plea

It was never about the ego. Nor thinking that no one deserves my attention. I have trained to avoid the feelings conjugated by initial meets up and the last goodbyes. Hence the apathy I present with “leaving”.

I find rejection more offensive to a slap in the face than the actual slap in the face. For “rejecting” implies insufficiency and inadequacy of one’s presented (and most of the time) best traits to someone who thinks that despite all that, you’re still not enough.

I am thrifty and cautious when it comes to investing emotions than money, for such (once lost) affects not only your self-steem but also your self-value and trust. Things that money can’t even replace nor suffice.

I have learned the art of solitude. And the difference of being “alone” and being “lonely”. I have managed to understand the complexities and the science of being a wallflower. A dead walker by day. A ghost by night. That I’d rather be ignored and stay unseen rather than be noticed and have someone discern the absurdities and unsualities I present.

That I rather be alone than to feel what “the one who was left behind” feels.

Ayaw kong iniiwan. 

Closure My Ass

How can you forget someone who used to mean so much? I always asked myself such ever since. Considering the few number of people who touched my heart. I even wonder why I let an asshole see through me. Or why I even let a whore-scumbag-lying pig affected me. I’m not the “hating” kind. A little bitter but not hating. Such emotion musn’t be kept by someone whose heart resonates fragility on a single tap caused by a drop of tear. But what can I do to close the door left open by an ugly past?

Someone told me that in order to move on, you need closure. But that seemed impossible on my part because of the hanging questions rather left unanswered by someone who denied me the truth.

Yes there are still few moments when I lay myself on the comfort of my bed that I started to realize what happened. What could have been and why did it all happen. 

And I thought, unreciprocated affection, though not the primary, was only one of the reason why it didn’t workout. What had happened was a warning shot. That it was the other person’s inability to find contentment that must be brought forward. If such was already written on one’s bone and flows through one’s blood; then no one, not even me, could settle a husting heart. That we may pass that one through but problems of loyalty and trust would re-surface in the future.

In the end, maybe the “closure” that I was looking for was already in me. To know that I deserve something better. To choose happiness and not let unnecessary stressors ruin my life. To let go of the things not meant to be. To let those culprit who were guilty of misconduct in love such as cheating and dishonesty must be let go alone and let them rot in their own pool of karma. 

Not that I’m bragging, but I dont think it was my loss afterall. Come to think of it, I have been through all of this even before, and I never lost hope of being and getting better than I was. 

And I’m still not giving up on love either.

Blizzard

It was the silence. The subtlety of the ambience that we had I prefer the most. The comfortable stillness that we portray as if our time just stopped and our moment is being preserved in an ice case. Literally frozen in time. Yet the mumblings that occupy the coffeeshop where we are persisted though we barely noticed it. 

“Do you believe in karma?” I asked, hoping to break the ice. 

“Hmmm. Yes.”

“How about in forever? Or best friend? Or heaven?”

“You’re overthinking again.”

“Hmmm. Maybe.” I said. “..but these are the concepts that I wanted to believe but never had enough proof to make me believe that they exist..”

“Forever may or may not exist. But let’s try to enjoy what we have right now..”

“Hmmm.. Yeah.”

At that point, the fear seeped within upon hearing the phrase I usually throw away when uncertainty of the future is palpable. That the dubiety of our future was laid in front of me. And I let my thoughts coast away, regretting that I made you speak and hear words I never expected to hear.

Then the silence continued in your room filled with monochrome and symmetrical patterns as I watch you move around in circles. I wonder about the thoughts in your mind right now as I stare at the blue sky peeking through your window. The weather was great, and the sun was shining through with the white streaks of clouds across the horizon. Yet the turmoil inside me was condensing into a storm that would soon shake the paradise I once believed true.

You then kissed me goodbye with a relief before we stepped out of the door. I wonder whether such is a good thing or a bad thing that finally, I am on my way to a greater distance again. 

And the beautiful silence I used to listen became the weapon that brought us apart. That your muteness on things which is significant to keep the solid foundation of the mountain we’re trying to climb was the reason why we avalanched downwards. Your preference of solitariness and elusion to deal matters on hand may have made you pass through the storm but left a great consequence on the elysium I was trying to reach.

It was silence from the beginning and up until the end. Now you got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.

Awake

To tell you honestly. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I am not sure if I was just denying the feeling or I am already numb. 

As days go by, I’m starting to regain the respect and the love I’ve deprived to myself for you. Though I’ve decided to expect your worse, I was still disappointed everytime you meet my expectations. No matter how much I braced myself for the impact, the aftermath was still palpable and throbbing across my chest. 

I’m starting to feel that I deserve something or someone better. And that’s the feeling I do not want you to elicit in me. But considering your acts, you’re near success doing such. Don’t get me wrong, because I do believe I did my part. I’ve compromised in every way I can, considered your behalf whenever I plan ahead for the coming days. Always chosing what’s beneficial for the both of us. Something I’ve never felt that you did.

But for now, I still choose to stay. Just to satisfy, once again, the masochist in me. I do think that this is a fair deal, for I chose to stay before; despite the barely good things you’ve presented. And I’m still chosing to stay despite the emotional burden you’re inflicting to me now. Least up until I get tired as I’m slowly losing my grip. 

I just need to accept some things I cannot change.